n the brief window when the recent snow was cooperative enough for sledding, Caden grabbed his toboggan and headed to the biggest hill our neighbored could offer. Our small "mountain", more like oversize mound, offers anyone who'd like to try enough speed for even a little air at the end. As I recorded him sliding in the one-inch snowpack, I caught his whoops and hollers as he enjoyed the quick, but satisfying journey down.
I thought to myself, "This might be the last time." Who knows when it will snow again enough for Caden to sled? Who knows if he'll want to or will he decide he's too old for that and no longer interested? It was a thought that gave me pause and I felt the emotions rise.
It's the firsts and lasts that tug at my heart. The first baby steps. The last day of preschool. The first tooth. The last time a special dress is worn. The first smile. The last time they make a pillow fort.
And honestly, sometimes the firsts and lasts are more than I handle. While in the moment, we long for the challenge or phase to be over. But then the milestone is passed and it seems so much easier in hindsight. I thought caring was a baby was hard...until that baby became a toddler and so on. Time moves on and the emotions go deep.
I wondered how God deals with deep emotions. The ones that sometimes seek to overwhelm us - whether they revolve around parenting or some other life situation. I was reminded that emotions came hard and fast for Jesus. His response? "Jesus wept." He felt heartache and feels it still. He is the One who empathizes with us and knows the human experience of deep emotion. (Spoiler alert: He also celebrated, too.)
Now, the firsts and lasts you are experiencing with your child may not be as dramatic as grieving the loss of a friend named Lazarus, but they could trigger emotions that you didn't expect. The joy and wistfulness of seeing our children grow and learn is a tension that I realize that I need to pass over to God's loving hands.
Author Kate Bowler writes in her devotional, "Have a Beautiful, Terrible Day!", this blessing about the emotional tensions we feel - both as parents and God's beloved::
Blessed are we, the anxious,
with eyes wide open to lovely and the awful.
Blessed are we, the aware,
knowing that the only sane thing to do in such a world is to admit the fear that sits in our peripheral vision.
Blessed are we, the hopeful,
eyes searching for the horizon,
ready to meet the next miracle, the next surprise.
Blessed are we, the grateful,
awake to this beautiful, terrible day.
As we approach Lent (a bittersweet time of expectant hope), we can hold the parenting firsts & lasts, the highs & lows, the old & new, and the beautiful & the heartbreaking in light of God's overarching love and commitment to us. We wait for God's fulfillment of the work being done in our hearts and in the children we shepherd. He is the Alpha and the Omega - the beginning and the end of every parenting emotion that comes our way. It's a beautiful, terrible and blessed journey.
Isaiah 43:18-19
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"